Chicago Bears Game-By-Game Predictions, Version 2.0
The Bears' season kicks off in a mere six days. The poop-on-Alan-Goldsher's-latest-batch-of-prognostications kicks off today.
ON ONE HAND, any dummy can make an NFL prediction.
On the other hand, it’s possible that you’ll come off as way less of a dummy if you have some facts, figures, algorithms, and analytics to back up said predictions.
Me, I’m somewhere in the middle of that particular equation — half cold, hard numbers research guy; half straight-up dummy.
That all being the case, my second pass at predicting the outcomes and scores — that’s right, I’m dropping final scores, y’all! (#dummy) — of each Chicago Bears’ 2024 regular season game needs to be taken with an 8.5 ounce box of Maldon sea salt.
So whaddya say we get salty?
(Note: All start times are CT.)
Tennessee Titans vs. Chicago Bears
Date: Sunday, September 8, 2024
Time & Telecast: 12:00 p.m., FOX
The Skinny: The Bears seem better than I initially thought, while the Titans seem worse than I initially thought. Chicago’s D abuses Tennessee quarterback Will Levis to the tune of 5 sacks, and the Soldier Field faithful inspires rookie QB Caleb Williams to drop 300-plus yards in his eagerly-awaited regular season debut.
Final Score, version 1.0: Chicago: 27 - Tennessee: 24
Updated Final Score: Chicago: 35 - Tennessee: 14
Chicago Bears vs. Houston Texans (SNF)
Date: Sunday, September 15, 2024
Time & Telecast: 7:20 p.m., NBC
The Skinny: The Texans are scary on both sides of the ball, but as seen on HBO’s Hard Knocks, the Bears D looks and feels sharp. Even so, if this rumble was in Chicago, the Bears might’ve made things significantly closer. But on the road staring down electric Houston QB C.J. Stroud, not so much.
Final Score, version 1.0: Houston: 30 - Chicago: 7
Updated Final Score: Houston: 28 - Chicago: 10
Chicago Bears vs. Indianapolis Colts
Date: Sunday, September 22, 2024
Time & Telecast: 12:00 p.m., CBS
The Skinny: Colts’ stud RB Jonathan Taylor (remember him?) is fully healthy, and the University of Wisconsin-Madison product is good at running the football, so his return to the field will have NFL defenses pooping their collective Mack Weldon boxer-briefs. If Colts quarterback Anthony Richardson hits 1/3rd of his pre-season hype, this could be an Indy beatdown; if he’s 1/4th — which seems more likely — it’ll merely be a tight thriller.
Final Score, version 1.0: Indianapolis: 24 - Chicago: 21 (OT)
Updated Final Score: Indianapolis: 20 - Chicago: 18
Los Angeles Rams vs. Chicago Bears
Date: Sunday, September 29, 2024
Time & Telecast: 12:00 p.m., FOX
The Skinny: LA RB Kyren Williams is about half a dozen 100-yard games away from stardom, and second-year receiver Puca Nacua is already there, so the Aaron Donald-less Rams will be way better than expected. Still, a desperate 1-2 Bears team squeaks out a home dub that lifts them to a season-salvaging .500.
Final Score, version 1.0: Chicago: 31 - Los Angeles: 27
Updated Final Score: Chicago: 28 - Los Angeles: 27
Carolina Panthers vs. Chicago Bears
Date: Sunday, October 6, 2024
Time & Telecast: 12:00 p.m., FOX
The Skinny: What with Panthers’ sophomore QB Bryce Young having an NFL season under his belt, the Panthers will be better than they were in 2023. But they still stink, so…
Final Score, version 1.0: Chicago: 45 - Carolina: 13
Updated Final Score: Chicago: 35 - Carolina: 14
Chicago Bears vs. Jacksonville Jaguars (London)
Date: Sunday, October 13, 2024
Time & Telecast: 8:30 a.m., NFL Network
The Skinny: Caleb Williams was eight-years-old the last time the Bears played across the pond back in 2011. (Dude wasn’t even born for their one other London game in 1991.) At 21, the 2022 Heisman Trophy winner is wise enough to lean on his running back D’Andre Swift, who ties a career-high with 3 touchdowns, helping the Bears send all 371 of their U.K. fans into a frenzy.
Final Score, version 1.0: Chicago: 27 - Jacksonville: 16
Updated Final Score: Chicago: 30 - Jacksonville: 10
Chicago Bears vs. Washington Commanders
Date: Sunday, October 27, 2024
Time & Telecast: 12:00 p.m., CBS
The Skinny: Only three times in the last 26 years have quarterbacks picked one and two in the NFL Draft faced one another in their rookie year, those matchups being Peyton Manning vs. Ryan Leaf (1998), Andrew Luck vs. Robert Griffin III (2014), and Jameis Winston vs. Marcus Mariota (2015). The Caleb Williams (first pick) vs. Jayden Daniels (second pick) tete a tete is arguably the most exciting one vs. two matchup of ‘em all, so this one is must-see-TV. Daniels looked fantastic in his brief preseason stints, so this one’s closer than first anticipated, but thanks in part to cornerback Jaylon Johnson’s 2 interceptions — one of which is a pick-6 — Chicago ekes out a huge road win.
Final Score, version 1.0: Chicago: 41 - Washington: 21
Updated Final Score: Chicago: 21 - Washington: 20
Chicago Bears vs. Arizona Cardinals
Date: Sunday, November 3, 2024
Time & Telecast: 3:05 p.m., CBS
The Skinny: I first had this pegged as a Cards upset, but I’m 180-ing and re-pegging. It’s a nail-biter, but Chicago keeps Kyler Murray under wraps...or at least under wraps enough to sneak out a second consecutive last-gasp road W.
Final Score, version 1.0: Arizona: 28 - Chicago: 7
Updated Final Score: Chicago: 14 - Arizona: 10
New England Patriots vs. Chicago Bears
Date: Sunday, November 10, 2024
Time & Telecast: 12:00 p.m., FOX
The Skinny: New England’s quarterback situation is fluid and unsettled, so Chicago’s trash-talking D faces either average veteran Jacoby Brissett or green rookie Drake Maye. The Pats are gritty, but not quite gritty enough to pull one out in the Windy City, giving the Bears what will end up being a season-high three-game win streak.
Final Score, version 1.0: Chicago: 28 - New England: 24
Updated Final Score: Chicago: 21 - New England: 17
Green Bay Packers vs. Chicago Bears
Date: Sunday, November 17, 2024
Time & Telecast: 12:00 p.m., FOX
The Skinny: There are 15 players on Chicago’s 53-man Opening Day roster who have yet to face the Packers while wearing the blue-and-orange, so in theory, the Green Bay jinx shouldn’t matter quite as much as it has during the rest of the 2000s, a stretch in which our fair city’s gridiron-ers have managed just 15 victories in 60 games against Green Bay’s d-bags. Unfortunately, here at the beginning of the season’s final sprint, the jinx marches on, and the f&%@ing Cheeseheads make it it 46 out of 61.
Final Score, version 1.0: Chicago: 38 - Green Bay: 10
Updated Final Score: Green Bay: 28 - Chicago: 13
Minnesota Vikings vs. Chicago Bears
Date: November 24, 2024
Time & Telecast: 12:00 p.m., FOX
The Skinny: As an NFL starter, new Vikes signal caller Sam Darnold has posted a career record of 21-34, less-than-optimal numbers for a third-overall pick. Despite the fact he’s playing with the best receiver of his life in Justin Jefferson and a top-shelf running back in Aaron Jones, Darnold is simply not good enough to drag his team across the Soldier Field finish line.
Final Score, version 1.0: Chicago: 35 - Minnesota: 3
Updated Final Score: Chicago: 28 - Minnesota: 0
Chicago Bears vs. Detroit Lions (Thanksgiving)
Date: Thursday, November 28, 2024
Time & Telecast: 11:30 a.m., CBS
The Skinny: I have the Lions going to the Super Bowl, and if that relatively ballsy pick will indeed come to fruition, Detroit needs to take care of business against their NFC North brethren — a brethren that’s suddenly pretty darn good. Here on Turkey Day, Amon-Ra St. Brown et al take care of business, big-time.
Final Score, version 1.0: Detroit: 41 - Chicago: 31
Updated Final Score: Detroit: 38 - Chicago: 20
Chicago Bears vs. San Francisco 49ers
Date: Sunday, December 8, 2024
Time & Telecast: 3:25 p.m, FOX
The Skinny: After their post-Thanksgiving mini-bye, the Bears have to hit Northern Cali, where they’ll deal with Brock Purdy, Christian McCaffrey, and an obsessed Niners roster eyeballing the NFC’s top seed. Wrapping up their most difficult two-game stretch of the season, the Bears drop back-to-back games for the first time in 2024.
Final Score, version 1.0: San Francisco: 34 - Chicago: 23
Updated Final Score: San Francisco: 28 - Chicago: 10
Chicago Bears vs. Minnesota Vikings (MNF)
Date: Monday, December 16, 2024
Time & Telecast: 7:15 p.m., ABC
The Skinny: It’s their second meeting in less than a month, but the Vikes still haven’t figured out the Bears offense. Or defense. Or special teams. Led by rookie receiver Rome Odunze’s first career 2-touchdown game, Chicago enjoys their best roadie of the year.
Final Score, version 1.0: Minnesota: 21 - Chicago: 20
Updated Final Score: Chicago: 28 - Chicago: 7
Detroit Lions vs. Chicago Bears
Date: Sunday, December 22, 2024
Time & Telecast: 12:00 p.m., FOX
The Skinny: It’s their second meeting in less than a month, but the Bears still haven’t figured out the Lions offense. Or defense. Or special teams. Led by ex-Bears running back David Montgomery’s eighth career 2-touchdown game, Chicago doesn’t enjoy their worst home outing of the year. (Familiar-sounding copy, amirite?)
Final Score, version 1.0: Detroit: 24 - Chicago: 3
Updated Final Score: Detroit: 30 - Chicago: 17
Seattle Seahawks vs. Chicago Bears (TNF)
Date: Thursday, December 26
Time & Telecast: 7:15, Prime Video
The Skinny: Still hungover from their gnarly loss to the Lions — and wobbly due to a short week of R-and-R — Chicago drops a heartbreaking track meet to QB Geno Smith’s better-than-expected offense, this despite a 400-yard performance from Caleb Williams and a 200-yard outing from D.J. Moore.
Final Score, version 1.0: Seattle: 35 - Chicago: 14
Updated Final Score: Seattle: 42 - Chicago: 35
Chicago Bears vs. Green Bay Packers
Date: Saturday, January 4, 2025 or Sunday, January 5, 2025
Time & Telecast: TBD
The Skinny: Chicago hasn’t beaten the Packers on the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field since December 15, 2019. Here, the Bears shock Jordan Love on the closing night of 2024, giving them a final record of 10-7, a second-place finish in the NFC North, and a trip to the Wild Card round. Not a bad start to the Caleb Williams era. Not bad at all.
Final Score, version 1.0: Green Bay: 30 - Chicago: 17
Updated Final Score: Chicago: 21 - Green Bay: 17