🐻 🏈 🎄 My Chicago Bears Christmas Wish List 🎄 🏈 🐻
Let's deck the halls with boughs of better coordinators.
I’M NOT AN EASY guy to shop for.
I’m a hardcore music listener and book reader, but what with my various online subscriptions, I have access to all the tunes and words in the world.
I love graphic tees, but my shirt drawer is overflowing to the point that I can’t even shut it.
I love high-end electric basses and vintage electric keyboards, but quality instruments are bank-breakers, and since I’m a respectful, humble dude, I don’t even ask.
But one thing I don’t have — and one thing I haven’t had since 1985 — is a local NFL team in whom I can believe. A team that’s creative and imaginative both on and off the field. A team whose every move is about improving the franchise, not the amping up the bottom line.
A team that wins way more games than it loses.
A team unlike the Chicago Bears
Since 1986 — the year after which Chicago won its only Super Bowl — the Bears have compiled a regular season record of 301-337 (.472), the 17th worst winning percentage in the NFL. To make this stat even more painful, I’ll note that over this same stretch, the Green Bay Packers are 357-252 (.586), third-best in the league.
So since shirts, multimedia, and Fender Rhodes Mark 1s are off the table, I’ll be happy if my pro football team gives me the gift of…trying something different.
During these 30-plus-years of futility, the Bears’ flops (Mitch Trubisky over Patrick Mahomes, Marc Trestman, every GM hire) have far outweighed the successes (Brian Urlacher, Devin Hester, one Super Bowl appearance), so all I want for Christmas — or, more appropriately for my Jewish ass, Hanukkah — is some logic from the franchise for whom I’ve been rooting since Walter Payton became a thing.
Logic such as…
EXTENDING KEENAN ALLEN
Here are some numbers delivered by three All-Pro NFL wide receivers over their last respective five games:
Player A
32 receptions
5 TDs
403 yards
Player B
26 receptions
3 TDs
301 yards
Player C
31 receptions
3 TDs
418 yards
Since the headline of this section mentions Keenan Allen, you’d assume one of the above would be him. And you’d assume correctly. And that player would be Player A.
Player B: Tyreek Hill.
Player C: A.J. Brown.
Hill probably went in the first round of your fantasy draft, while Brown likely got snatched up in round two or three. Coming into the season, Allen’s Average Draft Position was in the area of 78, So, yeah, seventh round.
Right about now, that’s looking like a pretty good value, and if the Bears can convince Allen to give them pretty good value in his next contract, they should pounce. The future Hall of Famer isn’t just a security blanket for rookie QB Caleb Williams, but he’s rediscovered his inner Charger, and is putting up WR1 numbers. Even better, he wants to remain in Chicago:
So what-say we keep Caleb comfy and give Keenan a reasonable two-year deal?
HIRING BEN JOHNSON AS HEAD COACH
I’m gonna cheat here and drop in some copy I wrote for Pro Football Network on December 22, 2024:
If you can’t beat ‘em, get ‘em to join you.
For the last three seasons, Detroit Lions offensive coordinator Ben Johnson has been among the NFL’s most original, most innovative play-callers. He’s helped turn Jared Goff into an MVP candidate; coming into Week 16, his well-balanced unit led the league in scoring, and he does stuff like a ridiculous fake stumble touchdown play.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the NFC North, the Chicago Bears have cycled through three OCs in the last calendar year (Luke Getsy, Shane Waldron, and Thomas Brown), none of whom have been able to deliver anything close to a playoff-caliber offense. For that matter, it could be argued that the franchise hasn’t had a top-shelf OC since a sort-of-past-his-prime Mike Martz called plays in the 2010 and 2011 seasons.
Just before the Lions beat down the Bears 34-17 on Sunday, NFL Network’s Tom Pelissero said, “The Bears might be getting a look at their next head coach,” adding, “My understanding is that Johnson is intrigued by the Bears job, and he is going to be willing to listen.”
Makes sense. Sure, the Lions look like they’re poised to be a perennial contender, but the opportunity to resurrect one of the league’s flagship franchises might be too good to pass up for the 38-year-old.
Sure, the Bears have struggled throughout the season, but on certain levels, Johnson would be heading into an attractive situation. Rookie quarterback Caleb Williams is improving by the week — his 334-yard, two-touchdown, zero-interception performance during Sunday’s Bears loss was among his finest outings of the season.
The Bears have cap space galore, and they boast a frisky wide receivers room (DJ Moore and Rome Odunze, primarily) just waiting for some quality direction.
Johnson will likely ask for a chunky contract, full personnel control, and potentially the opportunity to handpick his own general manager — three things that one wouldn’t expect the traditionally conservative Bears to deliver.
But if they want a coach who can hang in today’s NFL, they’ll have to break tradition. And if a back-to-back-to-back losing seasons don’t merit a break, nothing will.
I stand by that.
HIRING ROBERT SALEH OR AARON GLENN AS DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR
Poaching both Ben Johnson and Aaron Glenn from the Detroit Lions would be a coup on two levels:
It’d make the Bears better.
It’d make the Lions worse.
The chances of a team that’s been riding decades of futility stealing two coordinators from an innovative divisional rival are slim-to-nil, but this is a wish list, so what the heck.
On the more realistic end of the spectrum, Saleh would be a considerably easier get, and potentially a better fit.
Folks forget that before his brief, disastrous stint as the New York Jets’ head coach, Saleh was considered to be one of the slickest defensive minds in the league. During the 2019 season, as DC in San Francisco, he spearheaded one of the league’s scariest D’s:
Total Defense: Ranked 2nd, allowing 281.8 yards per game.
Passing Defense: Led the league, conceding only 169.2 passing yards per game.
Rushing Defense: Allowed 112.6 rushing yards per game, ranking 17th.
Scoring Defense: Ranked 8th, permitting 19.4 points per game.
Sacks: Tied for 5th with 48 sacks.
Turnovers Forced: Secured 27 turnovers, ranking 6th in the league.
Granted, he made his magic with Nick Bosa, Fred Warner, and Dre Greenlaw in tow, but the results that can’t be denied.
Plus, Saleh is, y’know, insane. And this underachieving, lackadaisical Chicago Bears defense sure could use a shot of insanity.
HIRING KLIFF KINGSBURY AS OFFENSIVE COORIDINATOR
If Chicago can somehow steal both Johnson from Detroit and Kingsbury from Washington, they’d corner the market on contemporary offensive gurus.
Is that offensive overkill? Absolutely.
Would Kingsbury walk away from an emerging team like the Commanders? For a shit-ton of money, maybe.
Would the Bears give Kingsbury a shit-ton of money after giving Ben Johnson a shit-ton of money? Absolutely not.
But it’s fun to dream. And if you don’t dig it, do your own gift list.
HIRING RAY AGNEW AS GENERAL MANAGER
To quote Alan Goldsher, if you can’t beat ‘em, get ‘em to join you.
It’s been said time and again that the NFL is a copycat league, and here in 2024, if there’s one franchise to copy that’s not located in Kansas City, it’s the Detroit Lions. They have one of the league’s most enjoyable on-field products, they’re set to be in the Super Bowl mix for the next four or five seasons, and they’ve become a destination franchise. (Detroit as a destination franchise? Who saw that coming?)
Agnew — who’s been the Lions Assistant GM since January of 2021 — had nothing to do with either the hiring of HC Dan Campbell or the acquisition of Jared Goff, but he was in the building. Maybe he could bring some of that fairy dust to Halas Hall.
MAKE THE ARLINGTON HEIGHTS STADIUM A THING
It’s a crisp, sunny fall day. You’re heading north on Lake Shore Drive. You breeze past Soldier Field and think, “Man, what a gorgeous stadium. We’re lucky to have it here in Chicago.”
It’s a windy, snowy winter day. You’re heading north on Lake Shore Drive. You breeze past Soldier Field and think, “Let the journey begin.” You park your car in a remote lot, wait 15 minutes for a shuttle, endure the sardine-like ten-minute ride to the stadium, then navigate your way to your uncomfortable seat, all while your toes are frostbitten despite the fact you’re wearing three pairs of wool socks.
Live Bears games in Chicago generally blow, so let’s get a modern, domed football-a-torium and join the 21st Century.
BLOWING UP THE OFFENSIVE LINE
Defend Chicago’s O-line all you want, but at the end of the day, Caleb Williams has been sacked 60 times, hard stop.
Next.
ENDING THE D’ANDRE SWIFT EXPERIMENT
The summer of 2024 offered a bumper crop of free agent running backs: Saquon Barkley, Derrick Henry, Josh Jacobs, Aaron Jones, and Tony Pollard.
Which is why I didn’t have D’Andre Swift on my who-Chicago-will-sign bingo card.
Sure, Swift had a pretty good 2023 with the Philadelphia Eagles, and sure, his two-year run in Detroit was decent enough, but they eye test shows us that Swift didn’t have that thing, the electricity and creativity to be a dominant RB1 in today’s NFL.
But GM Ryan Poles inked him anyhow, and the results have been completely unsurprising, as borne out by his 2024 ranks in all the major offensive categories:
Rushing Attempts: 13th
Rushing Yards: 19th
Rushing Touchdowns: Tied for 25th
Receptions (RBs): 34th
Receiving Yards (RBs): 29th
The 2025 batch of free agent running backs isn’t at all sexy — Aaron Jones goes back out on the market, along with Najee Harris, Javonte Williams, Rico Dowdle, and the ever-injured Nick Chubb — so whoever’s running Chicago’s Draft war room (not Ryan Poles, not Ryan Poles, not Ryan Poles) will hopefully go RB at some point before day two comes to a close.
What with all of their holes in the trenches, they won’t spend round one draft capital on a stud RB like Ashton Jeanty, but in 2023, Detroit drafted Jahmyr Gibbs in round one when they had plenty of holes of their own, and that worked out okay. And as noted, this is a copycat league, so, despite my next wish, maybe don’t trade down?…
TRADING DOWN IN THE 2025 DRAFT
I’m gonna cheat again and drop in some copy from last Friday’s CSS mailbag:
I’d very much consider trading down. Trench-wise, this isn’t a needle-moving draft — we’re not seeing any Anthony Muñozes or Larry Allens yet, but let’s revisit after the Combine — so for a team with as many holes as the Bears, B+ quantity might be more useful than A- quality.
The Buffalo Bills, for instance, have a ton of draft capital, and might be willing to swap their first and second rounders for Chicago’s first. The Bears would then have three second-rounders, a total of four of the first 64 picks, and ten picks altogether.
Mocks have Buffalo — who should be picking somewhere around 29 — snatching up everybody from the aforementioned Mr. Emmanwori, to a couple of OSU bruisers (DL Tyleik Williams and EDGE J.T. Tuimoloau), to South Carolina EDGE Kyle Kennard.
Is there a massive drop-off between, say, Pearce and Kennard? Maybe, maybe not (again, let’s talk after the Combine), but nobody is projecting Pearce to be Myles Garrett, so this won’t be an oops-why-didn’t-we-grab-Jalen-Carter situation. (FWIW, Bleacher Report comps Pearce to Brian Burns — which, y’know, doesn’t suck — and Tuimoloau to Michael Clemons…which also doesn’t suck.)
If Chicago can bat .600 at this Draft — if they can land, say, four starters and a couple of quality rotation players — that’s a huge win. But they can’t get a win unless they get fully into the game.
I stand by that.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT FROM BEARS FANS THAT CALEB WILLIAMS IS GOOD AT FOOTBALL
Yes, the Chicago Bears are 4-11, and they look worse than their record indicates.
And yes, Caleb Williams has been sacked 60 times.
And yes, Williams came into his rookie year touted as the next Patrick Mahomes, but to this point, he clearly isn’t.
But the dude is a legit NFL quarterback.
There’s plenty in his game that needs to be cleaned up — he holds onto the rock too long, he tries to play too much hero ball, his deep accuracy could use some work — but he rarely throws the ball away, he never gives up on a play, and he’s a humble, team-first guy.
Bears Twitter, however, isn’t impressed.
Me, I’d rather have him under center than, say, Trevor Lawrence. Or Tua Tagovailoa. Or Aaron Rodgers.
Williams isn’t Mahomes. But he sure as hell doesn’t suck.
EMBRACING THE POLAR BEAR UNIS
The Vikings have all-white unis. The Bengals have all-white unis. Why can’t we have all-white unis?
This would be a gift for everybody.
Game in, game out, i'm surprised to see Williams' final stats because during the game it doesn't seem like he's doing much of anything to actually win. Probably the greatest collection of garbage stats in NFL history. With you on the Polar Bear unis though. Seems like a natural.